Wednesday, June 22, 2011


So, since I am such an amazing date, Seamen asked me out again the following night. Other than being a horrible horrible horrible kisser, and awkward kissing approach, and pretty much everything that had to do with being a smooth move maker...I had had a good time, well better than I had had on the couch at home, so I said yes. He was actually interesting, plus he was ummm....Super Hot and had a great body (from what I had seen in photos and he looked great in clothes). So I drove to Tampa and we went out for Mexican food. Really- FYI- Mexican food should be saved for later dates...greasy, bloaty, gassy, unattractive to eat food group. He had claimed that they had great Margaritas....

So maybe, this is where the side note comes in....I LOVE MARGARITAS. If I had a lock on my pants, the key would likely be shaped like a bottle of tequila, come with a pretty glass key chain, a lime key chain, and definitely salt. MUST have SALT! This is not a new thing- I have always loved Margaritas. I blame it on my mother. My mom used to go to work Happy Hours and have to take me along and I would always get a Shirley Temple or a Soda- but she would always let me have a sip of two of her margarita and I'm talking when I was ten and under....and so my love affair with margaritas began. In college, I didn't drink hardly at all, only a special functions or a summer day at  Fluffy's house, but I would mix up some margaritas at my apartment. For my 21st birthday, the girls knew I loved Margaritas and they all took me to a Mexican restaurant for my first legal 'ritas. In college, Fluffy would make me the most perfect margaritas and I would be dancing around the living room and pass out just in time for him to go out. During the summers after college, my mom and I would hit Happy Hour at one of the local Mexican places and both get a good buzz going on one or two. Yes......I said one or two. As much as I go out and party and try to meet people etc.....I have a LOW alcohol tolerance. Lately, I have been drinking A LOT more since I have been going out to bars so much trying to meet people, but I still have a low alcohol tolerance.

So, back to "the best margaritas," they were definitely not the best, but they were HUGE!!!! So at this time, I had moved to a city and hadn't been going out,  previous to that I lived in a city where I traveled all the time for work and hadn't been going out for about a year, so I pretty much had ZERO alcohol tolerance. I warned Seamen that I had a low tolerance- yet he still ordered me a HUGE one?? hmmm alternative motive?-and told him I might not want to drive that close to drinking them. He said that that was fine and we continued the date. We talked a lot, he more than I, and he did this weird talking thing...more on that later. And I slurped down 1/4 of my margarita and I was ummm...PPPPRRRREEETTTTTYYYY TIPSY. I again said that I was pretty good and he then said, if you need to sleep at my place you can. I pretty much knew if I drank that, his couch would be calling my name. Yet- I continued to drink it. He had almost finished his in the time I had drank a 1/4 of mine, and I think he ordered another one. I finished mine and I was wa-wa-wasted.

Then ......DUN DUN DUN......the check came....I feel like this is one of the most dreaded parts of any date.  I couldn't deal with the awkwardness and grabbed it right away and put my card in it- with out even looking-he didn't even CARE! Sorry dude, I know it is the 21st century an all, but I'm working part time looking for a real job and you're 28! Obviously if I didn't have the cash I wouldn't do it, but the thought that he didn't care at all or even really comment kind of bothers me, I need sooommmmmmeeeee chivalry. Guys are supposed to pay for sex...not girls (later on my theory of how guys pay on dates cause it leads to sex). Anyway, that was a small issue anyway...we still had the awkward talking and horrid kissing to deal with.

So then he's like, "we should go back to my place and watch a movie,"......UM NO! 1) Barely know you and that sounds like a hook up sesh 2) Hook up sesh means awkward moves and horrible kissing 3) I'm DRUNK let's party, Earlier in the night his friends had texted him and said they were doing the usual, playing trivia at their local hangout, so I suggested we go there and meet up with them, Trivia Nights are ALWAYS good. So he reluctantly called them and they were still there so we go to meet them.

Bar was smokey and had an interesting crowd but was fine for the circumstances. His friends consisted of two couples, which BTW is never a good group of friends to take a first/second date to, so we were all coupled up...How Cute....vomit. At least there were girls there, but then again where there are girls you walk in to the courtroom...that is because they are judging EVERY little thing the "new" girl does. Well let's just say I was wasted at this point, so the judges weren't too happy and if they could they would have likely put me in contempt.

Annnnnddddd I continued to drink, they had these Milky Way Martinis on special...delicious! So after two martinis later, the Seamen was the best thing since flavored lip balm and I was so interested in him and everything he said. He liked it a little too much...Mr. Cocky....oh well. Anyway, we continued the party after trivia at the bar next door where there was Karaoke. Now we were one of only two tables in the bar, yet there was a huge stage and Seamen decided to sing all kinds of songs. And he thought he was GGGGRRRRREEEAAAATTTT. I was drunk and ordered another drink (now up to 4) to listen to him. And he kept going up there, over and over and over and over, WHO DOES THAT? 

So I told him that I had never done Karaoke, well he had no part of I finally gave in and did it. My first and only time....apparently I was good, people actually talked about it the next day and the next time I saw them. (or maybe I was that bad and it was all a joke I have not yet been clued in on). I finished my performance just as two girls walked into the bar.

I sat back at the table and drunkenly said to the Seamen. "You have fucked that girl in the white shirt haven't you."  His face turned white and he said, "Uh, Uh, Uh, maybe..." "I could tell." "But I didn't even look at her or say anything to her." "I'm good like that."

This is when my blackout begins, but Seamen did have some great stories  to share with me in the morning, so I will relive them now.

So I obviously still thought he was amazing in my drunken state and I was in no condition to drive anywhere let alone walk out of the bar. He took me back to his place to crash for the night. He of course started kissing me when we got back to his place. I pull away from him and told him (I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS) "You are the worst kisser ever. You will never get in anyone's pants if you continue to kiss that way."


Well, it turned out that it was SUPER DRUNK BITCH to the rescue, because he actually liked the criticism and when I woke up in the morning and kissed him goodbye he had actually taken everything I had said and was actually a normal kisser. Apparently in my drunken state I had told him everything he was doing wrong etc. As I left that morning I felt so bad for being THAT DRUNK GIRL, and for being such a bitch and saying that to him, but then I thought if he is this coachable at kissing, what else (XXX) could he be coachable at....maybe he could get in my pants if he kept kissing the new and improved way.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

A lot of Semen...Seamen

So, the first online encounter I had in Florida was about a month or so after I moved to the land of palm trees. I hadn't talked to him online much but he seemed pretty out going and not shy. We decided to meet for coffee at Starbucks. He lived about an hour and ten minutes from me at the time in the largest city in the area, but we decided to meet halfway in between, so that neither was put out. I told him I would text him when I left my house so that he could estimate when he would need to leave. Of course, I left my house and drove for about 20 minutes before I ever texted him. I wanted to ensure that I got there first and was able to check out the area scene, etc. (you can never be too careful). I arrived in plenty of time and I parked my car where I had a good view of the people coming in and out of both the parking lot and Starbucks. In true Florida style, there was a ton of outdoor seating, so I was happy. I was also able to observe all the people there from my car. I was shocked at the number of highschoolers and teeny boppers at Starbucks, oh well.

So when he arrived he called me, and I was looking for the person on the cell phone. I spotted him and what type of vehicle was he getting out of.....a YELLOW HUMMER. Can any other vehicle please scream douche bag any louder?? I didn't think this would go well. So I kind of was evasive on whether or not I was there and watched his mannerisms and him wander around the parking lot. I finally gave in and let me know I was sitting in my car in front of the neighboring bank. He walked up to my car, I got out and shook his hand and we headed in to Starbucks.

Now after the YELLOW HUMMER incident I was definitely gonna judge his coffee order. He didn't get coffee but Soy, Chai Tea, like the EXTRA HUGE ONE. So still a little douchey.  He did offer to pay, and wouldnt let me pay when I argued, so this actually was a good start compared to several other guys I would go out with in the future. We settled in to a table outside.

So we started talking and what I first noticed was he was WAYYYYYY hotter than any of his photos online. He also had a GREAT body and I learned why as our conversation headed from what you do for a living all the way to fitness and how you keep in shape. He was super into Crossfit. (After meeting him I have always wanted to try Crossfit, but since I live in old people 'ville the closest one is 50 min away).

He was 28 and a  full-time college student at USF and worked part time at Publix as a stocker in the meat department. So, I know what you are probably thinking....."why did you go out with him in the first place?" He had actually been in the Navy for 6 years and then got out of the Navy to go to college. He ended up going to school part time while working for two years and then decided that he wanted to go back into the Navy as an officer and as a pilot and applied for a ROTC scholarship at USF and received it, so he would be going back into the Navy as an officer after graduation. So, anyone who knows me knows I have the SOFTEST spot for military guys, so he had a definite in.

So that is why from now on, he will be known as Seamen.

So the conversation flowed pretty naturally, he was SUPER talkative and had some weird mannerisms, but it really was great to be out and doing something. I was drinking my hot chocolate pretty slow and was very comfy at Starbucks and felt good about how it was going. He had SLURPED own his HUGE tea and I had barely put a dent in my hot chocolate when he was like "Are you ready?" "For what..." "I thought we'd head down to the pier, if this was going well...."

He got a big score there from me...He actually had thought about it in advance and had asked me what I was interested in and knew I would like Florida things....Score for him.

I hesitantly decided to get in the yellow hummer and we took one car out to the Pier. It was about a 10-15 min drive, but the conversation kept flowing. So all was good. The beach was beautiful and the Pier was long and extended far into the ocean. It cost 50 cents to get on the Pier and it also cost to park (glad we only took one car, I was broke at this time) we walked out on the Pier and the view was breathtaking. The city was lit up and huge hotels and condo complexes lined the beach. A few people were fishing, but the water was so clear that you could see the fish. I think the fish could see us too and weren' stupid. The pier had lights shining down in the water and the fish seemed to glow beneath the surface....romantic yes. Well played Seamen, well played.

We continued to chat and he told me about his ocean adventures in the Navy as we stared out into the wide ocean. He stood close to me and eventually warmed up and put his hand on teh small of my back as I leaned over the edge of the pier. He had won me over so far, yet I was still stand-off ish.

The pier was closing down for the night, so we walked back to the car. He asked me if I had to be going or if he could show me more Florida and I said yes. We got in the car and drove to "the causeway" (I think that is what it is called) which was not what I expected. It was a road right down the side of the bay, on one of the bridges that crossed the bay. It reminded me of those mountain cliffs that you see in movies where teenagers go to make out in cars etc. It was a great view, but I remained on guard. We continued to talk, windows rolled down with the sea breeze blowing in. I loved it.

Then, he finally did it.....he leaned in and kissed me. It was the WORST kiss of my entire life. He must have beenan arm wrestling fan, because he was definitely attempting to create a tounge wrestling match with my tounge and down my throat. His face was also like super prickly and felt like sandpaper against my cheeks.

I could play it off once, okay we got that out of the way, let's go home. But then, he wanted to do it OVER and OVER and my head, I'm screaming....LET's GO! I want to go get my car! Yet I was polite and participated but eventually said, I'm tired let's go.

I couldn't believe it, he seemed pretty good, nice, military, etc. But he was trying to choke me wih his tounge and wanted to make out like we were 14!! WHO DOES THAT????? Seriously....

So he took me back to my car at Starbucks, and OF COURSE had to kiss me AGAIN  Goodnight. I drove home while checking out my chin, which was red and hurt to the touch due to his rough sand paper face and I felt like I also had his drool on it....maybe the drool would moisturize the abrasion...gross.

Now this entry wouldn't be called A lot of Seamen, If I didn't go out with Seamen again, so yeah, I was dumb, but stay tuned for more of my semen Seamen stories.....

Monday, June 6, 2011

Tactic #3 Join a Club

Ok, so I was using all aspects to meet people, and I started to try to use my superb google skills to find things to do for young people in the area. I hadn't even moved to my current city yet, but had it all lined up, and I had the idea to look for a young professionals organization in the area. I actually found one after quite a lot of surfing, but it worked out well and they were having the first meeting of the year about a week after I moved in to my new place and two days after I started my job.

The first meeting was pretty good, the speaker had backed out- but there was good wine so I was happy. The meeting was held at this great Tapas restaurant with a nice size meeting room and a huge back patio with heaters. Ok, I know it is Florida- but the heaters were necessary. As it was the first meeting of the year it appeared that they had a great turnout. The dynamic of the meeting was interesting...I guess with the average age in town being around 70, the way you interpret "young" begins to change. I would say that a significant number of people at the meeting were in their forties. Also people knew right away that I wasn't from around here because I hadn't dated "your brother's sisters's cousin's hairdresser who was in your first grade class." Although Florida is the land of transplants, in this area it seems that the people were all transplanted from "up-north" before the age of ten and therefore all went to high school together. It's so bad here that you don't even have to ask "The St. Louis Question" because people already know where you went.....creepy...and they didn't even have to facebook stalk you.

So, I stuck out like a sore thumb, which was good in some ways because people felt obligated to try to include me, however, I use the word obligated, because the majority of the people there were very fake about it. They would take my phone number and say they'd call, or "we'll go out on the boat next weekend" but they never do....I understand that they don't need new friends and that I am the one who needs the new friends, but come on people...DON'T TEASE ME LIKE THAT! I did end up drinking a lot of wine and having stimulating conversation and I was out of my house so I wasn't complaining, just wished I could have gotten more out of it. As the new girl that people hadn't seen before I did leave with my tab being paid twice and neither time by me, so I can't complain at all :)

I guess I look back on the experience now worse than it was mostly because it didn't materialize into anything more. The clubs communication and reaching out to new members was not good at all. I only attended another meeting afterwards, (and ended up paying dues and joining- but I haven't been to another meeting since forking out the cash), and it was only because I had been bored that day at work and was looking on facebook and saw that the meeting was that night. At the first meeting I went to they talked about their next events like a monthly luncheon that they have- the problem for me with that is that I get 1 hour for lunch, but I work 30 minutes away from the county that they do the lunch meetings in...soooo yeah. Then the next meeting after the initial one I went to was when I had to go out of town for work, etc. etc. I think that I could make friends and make a better run at this life here, but I need communication to know when things are going on etc.

I guess, I'll leave this tactic as...."I guess it looks good on a resume."

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Tactic #2 Online Dating

So, I previously blogged about my experience with online dating, but I felt I needed to include it as a Tactic so that you could understand my motivations. I pretty much decided that online dating was like Christmas presents from Grandma,---you are either getting an Ugly Sweater or a Cha Ching Check, so it could go either way. I also figured that as out going as I am, I can have drinks or coffee with just about anyone for about an hour or so. It also is good practice for business situations when you are forced to talk and socialize with people you other wise wouldn't. Also, it could be great practice for when you really find someone you would want to date. Another benefit is that just because you don't click with that person doesn't mean you couldn't be friends..and that is truly what I need. And who knows...their friends could be awesome as well even if he isn't. Most people meet the man of their dreams through someone through someone maybe an online meeting might eventually lead to the man of my dreams, even if he isn't participating in the craziness of online dating. Since I am now in Florida and lonely I am much more excited about online dating because it is a way for me to go out and get drinks or just do SOMETHING and not be alone. If I get to meet people and get out of the house, I'm interested. Stay tuned for crazy online dating stories......

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Tactic #1 - Through Others (2)

So I also knew my Aunt and Aunt is a super fit stud and my Uncle is a Firefighter, they have been married for about 2 or 3 years and previously had been dating for 10 years (maybe more). The are both known as partiers, she makes a killer Cosmo and he cocktails from the Keys- mostly Captain.

So these things are all great right? Fun? Fit? Firefighters? Cocktails? Yeah you would think. There are two problems to this equation. One is their age- she is 55ish and he is 46ish (they are aunts and uncles- who really knows their exact ages). They have fun, but as far as meeting people through them- the majority of their friends are in the same age range. People in that age range can be cool, but they have things like 2 ex husbands, fake boobs because they forgot where theirs used to be, Botox, mortgages, kids, and one really bad thing is KIDS YOUR AGE. You think that that last one might be a good thing, but its not. Have you ever seen the kids of your parents guys never became friends for a reason. Ok, maybe I might get set up on a date out of it, but a friend date- when I'm looking for friends?? SUPER AWKWARD.  My aunt an uncle also hang out with a lot of younger people or people who waited late in life to have kids, so their kids are high school and freshman in college age- so that knocks a lot of them out from trying to "hook me up" with their kids.

The second problem is my Uncle is not a family man. He does his own thing and treats my Aunt great, but he isn't the most social with the family- me included. He feels that families should keep separate...whatever- What this means for me: No boating trips/fishing trips :( and the main downfall NO HOT FIREFIGHTERS for me :( He says that the guys at his work are all older and have families and stuff, but I'm thinking he is just not looking on the right shift for me. He does work for a small city and station.....but come on I know prince charming is waiting to rescue me from a burning building on his big ladder right???  Another complication of my Uncle being a firefighter is that he works their crazy schedule- 24 hours on 48 hours off. So my Aunt and Uncle have to plan their time together accordingly and my M-F 8-5 doesn't really mesh well with their schedules.

I did try meeting some people through my Aunt at the gym that she works at. The age issue comes into play there also, as where she works most people are significantly older- 35-60 range (35 might be pushing the lower limit). But let's be honest people don't go to the gym to make friends, we wear iPods and zone out and the last thing we want to do is meet someone new, I mean we ARE looking our best -frizzed out hair and sweaty crotches-why wouldn't this be the ideal meeting ground?

I did take a lot of exercise classes at the gym, and people are more friendly and receptive to chatting before and after classes and sometimes in class if it is that type of class, but its fake and it goes away. It would be really nice to meet a friend at the gym though because then I would know that they were interested in being fit and all the other fun walks, jogs etc I would like to do outside of the gym. I know you will get sick of hearing it, but the AGE factors in again in these classes. Aerobics and fitness classes became popular in the '80s so the majority of the participants are people who were in their 20s and 30s in the '80s aka people my parents ages :(.

My Aunt also works at an all female gym- so its not like I was gonna find any romance there. What would the equivalent of a "Bromance" for women be....a "Womance?"  Let's just be honest, women are hard to meet. I think I would have more luck if I was looking for a little lesbo carpet munching action than I am just looking for a friend.  People at this gym don't worry, I've gone south.....and not like that....I won't be trying to meet you today.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Tactic #1- Through Others (1)

Ok, so maybe I fibbed a little about not knowing ANYONE in Florida. When I first moved to Florida, I lived in a city where I did know a few people, my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin. I was living in my other Aunt's vacation home in the same city, but now I no longer live in that city but instead live about an hour south.

So when I first moved to Florida, I lived near people I knew for two months before relocating. During this time I was applying for "big kid jobs" and working at a retailer for the holidays as a fill-in manager. So I did have some human interaction.

So my first tactic to meet people was to meet people that my cousin, Aunt and Uncle knew. However, I really didn't want to come off strong and make them feel like they HAD to entertain me or had to find me friends. I wanted to become a Floridian as fast as possible and not make them feel like they were entertaining a family tourist that had come for the week to stay but instead stand on my own two feet.

Now, this blog might make me sound like I'm not, but I am VERY INDEPENDENT, but I do enjoy the company of others and particularly when you are trying new things and exploring new places. At this time, since I had recently moved to Florida, I was still very independent and enjoying just "living the life," going to the beach as much as possible, wearing sundresses, walking around and oogling at the palm trees etc. It was different than now, where I still do many of the same things, but long for someone to go to the beach with me and just generally not be so alone.

(Back to the Tactic) So my cousin is around my age, hes 27 almost 28, and he works as an officer for the State of Florida. In the last year, he bought a house in the same community that my Aunt's vacation home is in that I was living in and I could actually walk to his house. (He is also single and has his shit together -even has a college degree- and would really be a catch for a lucky girl.) He has always had to entertain family members when we would come and visit and he never seemed to enjoy it- one of the complications of living in Florida I guess- so I didn't want to impose on him at all.

I was very surprised that my first weekend in Florida, he called me to go out with his friends. SCORE!!!! I'm thinking I can meet people, PLUS he works in a male dominated field so mostly in-shape manly guys, so many will likely be HOTTIES just my type. Of course I tried to play it off like I wasn't all that interested so I wouldn't sound desperate.  Plus he had actually called me ahead of time and not texted, so I had to play it cool in my voice as well.....since I wasn't great at this, we decided when it got closer to going out time, we'd text. The following texts went something like this:

(251): So when are you guys thinking of going out?  <-- of course I'm already ready sitting in my house
(941): eh Idk-you can just come over here and then we'll see
(251): Ok, I could do that. I guess I'll jump in the shower <--Already ready, but still scared it might be to early to claim to be starting to get ready
(wait 15 min) (251): So where do you usually go?
(941): It depends. Idk what we are up to tonight, probably a local bar <--Change clothes frantically 20 times, end up wearing a sundress still self-conscious that it is November and maybe Floridians don't wear sundresses in November even though it is 80 degrees....but I didn't want to look like a tourist
(941): I'll be over in a bit

So my cousin was known in our family to be quite a partier. He took the 7 year plan through college and I am pretty sure he had  A LOT more fun in college than I did. So I was expecting a good night. I met my cousin at his house and he got dressed and then we headed out together to meet his friends. I was assuming this to be a big group of mixed sexes ready to get their drink on. We pull up to a place in a strip mall called World of Beer. We go in and it is fairly empty, but I loved it since half of the place was outside. His "group" was sitting at the indoor bar. The "group" was two guys. One was my cousin's roommate and the other was his friend of a friend of a friend. Greeaaatttt.....Think positive- two people I didn't know before.

They both had been drinking a while and my cousin and I were fresh, so we went to order a drink, turns out the only thing World of Beer offers is umm...BEER. Since I am not a beer drinker, this would be interesting. I found out that they had ciders and I ordered a Strongbow- something I knew I could handle because it had been Fluffy's favorite after he had come home from the UK.  I had a couple of ciders and was feeling pretty good- so in my usual fashion I started not only talking more to the guys we were with but started exploring the bar and talking to the people next to us etc.

Through this I learned that coming to a male dominated bar (maybe because they only serve BEER)GGGGRRROOOOSSSSSSS! This made me feel like I needed to talk to anyone in the bar that was decent looking at all and inform them that this was not the case. I did talk to a few and communicate this- but it got kind of "not so fun" and went back to  the group.

Turns out the "group" was YOUNG. I was expecting quite the opposite since my cousin was older than me. But these kids were younger than me. My cousin's roommate worked with him and the other guy worked at a Bait Shop out near the beach.

My cousin's roommate finally stood up because he had to go to the bathroom.....and I determined he was cute, was like "HONEY I SHRUNK THE HOT MAN." He was soooo little. He has a pretty okay personality, laughs, jokes and smiles a lot. He also dresses nice. He is well built- ok deliciously built if I was like 14- but it looks like he was at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory and played with the shrinky machine too closely. He is maybe 5'7" and might weigh 160 only because he is so well built. The smallest thing was his well sculpted waist. I think his waist could likely fit in the thigh of one of my pants legs. I'm pretty sure he is all the way through puberty and this is as good as it gets....Is there a machine that does the opposite of the "Honey I shrunk the Kids" machine?

(Honey I Shrunk The Hot Man has since been dating a girl about the same size as me- if not bigger.....I'm not sure how she does it....maybe everything isn't in proportion.....*if you know what I mean*)

Well, the night was pretty low key. I rode back to my cousins house, watched some TV with him and the "group" drank some water and sobered up and drove the whole 2 miles home and reflected on the night....I got out of the house and met some that point I had been a little disappointed, but now looking back I should have been very happy. I'd love a similar night out any day now that I have lived in Florida for 7 months and don't really have any friends.